Denver native James Fenton was killed in a local US Bank branch yesterday in a freak coin counting machine accident. Bank officials believe Mr. Fenton was likely unfamiliar with the machine. While an autopsy still needs to be performed, police at the scene believe Mr. Fenton was likely “nickel and dimed to death.”
The coin counter, Serial Number 44862975, was released on its own recognizance. Bank officials are standing by their counter’s innocence and immediately put it back in service. US Bank CEO Andy Cerere flew into Denver this morning and personally counted $123.46 in miscellaneous coins on the machine before the press and a gathering of customers to prove the counter’s innocence. Observers did note the CEO kept a tight hold on his tie during the counting. CEO Cerere said, “There is nothing to fear. Bring us your piggy banks. Bring us your coffee cans. Bring us that giant glass jug. We will count your coins fast. And we will count them safely.”
US Bank expressed its condolences to Fenton’s family and, even though he was not a US Bank account holder, will waive one dollar of the two dollars and fifty cent coin counting fee.